you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
A+ Viking dick
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
