nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We were destined to go to rehab together
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
