peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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