Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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