the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
