My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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