My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
