Yo dont text me then not text me
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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