I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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