I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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