I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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