Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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