Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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