He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
