that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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