Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
