Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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