Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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