First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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