at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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