I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
