I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
