I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
