I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
