I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
