I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
