You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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