I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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