Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If its not for food we ain't going out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
