I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
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