I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
