so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
