just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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