Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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