Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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