And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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