He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
