why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
