Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize