I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
