I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
