Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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