So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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