I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
