I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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