I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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