my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
