you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
