he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize