K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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