I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
