hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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