when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
