she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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