Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
